The calm after the storm

My daughter-in-law left early this morning for her weekend with her family. My son and I agreed not to tell her what happened yesterday until after her trip. The only thing she noticed that was out of place were the pictures that fell off the wall when my son slammed a door.

I spent the evening copying video tapes to my computer. It's all part of a project for my dad. I found footage of his mother in my sister's old home movies. I have contacted my brother-in-law's family so see if they would like to have DVDs created from the old movies.

Other than working on the video for dad, I want to get the pool filter running today. It looks like a swamp, but I know I can clear it. I started removing the leaves on Thursday. The filter will remove a lot, but we will still keep cleaning. I hate that pool and could live without it, but it is here and I have put money into it to make it usable, so we will use it. I figures when the deck reaches the point where it is no longer usable, we will disassemble the pool and get rid of it. I never wanted it. I just let my sister go ahead with it to appease her. She was in it all of 2 times.

What a bummer

I hate it when I climb all over my son. This morning it happened after a series of events lead me to find hamburger wrappers and cat pee behind a chair in the livingroom. It's not fair that I seem to have these blow-ups when his wife is not available. The problem is that they live like slobs. Nothing is ever put away. Empty soft drink cans and dirty plates litter the livingroom and my son's office. I hate going into their bedroom. I cleaned it once when they went away for a few days. I won't do it again.

We need to sit down together and hash this out. My fear is that this behavior will continue when they have children. The answer I get from my son is that he is busy with school and his wife has work. Somehow I worked a very demanding career, raised a son, kept a fairly clean house, did yardword and still had time to sit down and watch a movie.

I've written down what set me off today so that I can talk with my daughter-in-law. She is working right now. She will be home for a little while, but then has to go back to work until 10 pm. Tomorrow she is leaving to spent the long weekend with her mother. I think I need to let it wait until she gets home. I need the notes to explain how this happened.

I hate this.

It's been a while

I think I need to start using this as a diary. Things happen and I don't remember them or only remember part of them. Today I called a company that had charged my debit card for $1. My account was overdrawn, so that was an extra chunk of money. When I called the number listed on my statement, it turned out to be for a medical discount card. I never would have said OK to that. Then they mentioned the $100 gas card come-on. That I remembered! That is the only part I remember. I would not have approved it if they were going to charge my card before I saw the program. Well at least the bank is going to reverse the charge and the NSF charge. Life is expensive enough.

This business with my memory bothers me. I have times like now when I feel dizzy and floaty. I can make sense, but not if I am given too much stimulation. Right now I would get really pissed if someone interrupted me. These are the days when calls like that come in. Or someone beeps in on call-waiting. There never seems to be anyone doing that except when I feel weird.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I worked on cleaning the pool today which I am not supposed to do. Sean's going to help me with the pool tomorrow. Seems like I always have to start on a project by myself before I get help. I have had dinner while I was typing this and I feel a little better.

My niece is in jail again. She has been there since March. This may be her "third strike". At least she has not been bugging me. I still keep waiting for "pay phone" to show up in the Caller ID.

The pain is intense today

I have had a really crappy day today. At least I slept well last night…and all afternoon! I don’t know what started it, I didn’t do anything strenuous. I have been having headaches all week, but today I developed a hot pain along the drain for my shunt. It’s ridiculous, I need an ice pack for the pain in my head, but I need heat for the pain in my neck and running down my chest. I would be really worried if I were running a temperature, then it might be an infection. This is supposedly scar tissue running along the tubing. When I ended up in tears I took a Darvocet and a Tramadol. When they kicked in I got so drowsy that I ended up in bed for the afternoon. Shannon’s mother called and I am surprised that I managed to make sense to her and get a message. It took all of about 5 seconds for me to fall asleep again. Sean even came in the room, after he knocked on the door and left the mail for me. I was totally unaware of it.

I’ve taken the Darvocet and Tramadol again before the pain gets too bad. I really hate that I have 2 shelves in my room that look they belong in a pharmacy. I get most of my meds in 90-day supplies, so there are several bottles of each thing that I have to keep track of. My pain specialist won’t write 90-day prescriptions for 3 things because they are controlled substances. He doesn’t want to risk having them stolen from the mail. I guess it is wise but it is a bit of a pain to keep track of which meds get filled every three months.

I suppose it could be worse; I could be without treatment for the pain. It’s so stupid that this all started when I was trying to tie my shoe. It just seems like it has been downhill ever since. I can’t really look at it like that. I had developed osteoarthritis in my knees in my early 20’s. It seems to be in all of my joints now. It is the worst in my knees and thumbs. Why my thumbs? The hydrocephalus was supposedly there all of my life. It might explain the bad headaches I have had for years. I thought they were caused by allergies and sinus congestion. I need to get my head around managing the pain like someone would manage diabetes. It just hurts so bad to walk some days. I think I look like the chimpanzees in the original “Planet of the Apes”; all hip movement and no knee.

I am going to go watch the stuff I taped tonight. I am leaving Raina upstairs again tonight. After she woke me at 3:30 am the night before last, I need to have her sleeping with the other dogs. This way she will already be out of my room when I have one of the pregnant dogs move in.

Hi there! I'm still around, just have been busy

If you check my blog at www.monsterpuppies.com, you'll see why I have been very busy since July. Even though some days I didn't think I would make it, I loved having the puppies here. I am looking forward to our next bunch. My daughter-in-law is interested in showing Cavaliers, so we are planning for the future there. We will need to find a breeder that sells show quality dogs.

The drought here in Georgia has been getting a lot of publicity. I am concerned about it. I'm wondering about shutting down the pool. I hate to let the water go unused. I wish I had something to store it in so that it can be used later. I have to partially drain the pool so that the plumbing is not damaged by freezing. You never know how our winters will be. Some years they are very warm and I would not have to shut down the pool. Then we also have winters with sub-freezing temperatures for days. Those are the ones I am concerned about.

I am also concerned about my memory. I called one of Zoe's friends the other day because I could not remember if I had let her know that Zoe is gone. It turns out that I did contact her in 2005. I am thinking very hard about giving her the link to this blog. She and Zoe were very close and this woman was touched by the abuse that occurred in our family. It's a very tough call. I am working on a very long email to her that covers what happened to Zoe with her last surgery. I am thinking of giving her the link to let her know it would explain a lot of Zoe's behavior and she can read it or not. I don't know yet I am going to do. I keep remembering the old saying about letting sleeping dogs lie.

My thumbs hurt!

I am so tired I could just cry. Since my finches are gone, I wanted to clean the floor in my room. I had rolled up the area rug and put it in the trash the other day. The dog and puppies had just wet it beyond cleaning. So, I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon moving furniture, vacuuming and mopping the floor. I had been thinking about turning my bed with the long side against the wall, so I tried it. I even lay down and watched my soap to try it out. It was a good idea, but I didn’t like it. So I ended up putting it back where it was this morning. I had my son help me move my dresser into my room. I was a little tired of realizing that I needed a bra and nearly stepping out in front of someone. Now I can dress in privacy. I still have some other moves to make, but didn’t want to push my help too hard today. After all, he was going to his in-law’s house to clean it around 5:00 pm.

I took my dishes upstairs to wash them after my meal of canned red beans and rice (ooo, yum; NOT). The sink was so full of dirty dishes from yesterday and the day before, I ended up doing an hour’s worth of dish washing. I hate it. Washing utensils is so painful. Any pressure against my thumbs is awful! I scraped the remains of last night’s casserole into the trash with my hands. I wish I could let the others here feel this pain once and they might appreciate what it takes for me to do the dishes for everyone. I think I’m just crabby because we ran out of cigarettes and don’t have any money. Maybe I should look at it as a good thing.

Oh yeah, I was right about the squirrel's cage. I had to throw one of the towels away it was so nasty.

"T" strikes again!

New trouble with my niece, the guy who took her junker car came by the other day. He had been to the tag office to transfer the title and get tags for the car. The second title showed up on the computer. A flag was put on his personal car tags and driver’s license. If he cannot show that he has a legitimate title by Sept. 29, they will suspend his tag and license. I was just sick! I had forgotten that ‘T’ had gotten a duplicate title. One of her drug dealer friends tried to use the second title to transfer the car into her name. Now we need ‘T’ to go to the tag office to prove that the car is being transferred legally. I don’t want to see her. I am not really needed, but I am the connection to ‘T’ so I have to be involved so she will go with us to straighten this mess out. The guy with the car has a friend who does title transfers for a car dealer. He has provided her with copies of all of my documentation about the car loan and the release ‘T’ signed so I could get her car when she was in the county jail. If this woman can make this happen, I won’t have to see my niece. I should know in about an hour, a very long hour.

Marta, the ultimate bitch!

My sister bit my finger about 5 years ago. She was in a lot of pain that day from her Crohn’s Disease. She said she hurt so much she could just bite me. I was a smartass and stuck my finger near her face. Big mistake, she chomped down hard enough to bruise me, but stopped short of drawing blood. I didn’t quite understand what she meant that day, but I do now! I gave my finches away yesterday and did a little more of the moving and loading work than I should have. I awoke at 5:30 am this morning because I was dreaming about pain and then was awake enough to feel the pain.

It’s rather ridiculous how much pain medicine I can take when I am like this and it doesn’t even make a dent. Last night I had 2 Darvocet, then a Tramadol and finally resorted to Vicodin. I wasn’t even goofy! I walked my dog a short time ago and just her pulling on the leash hurt my back. I stopped in the driveway to stretch my hamstrings. I didn’t think showing off my ass on the street was a good idea. The neighbors may be accustomed to me walking the dog in my nightshirt in the morning, but I think bending in half as far as I can and showing my undies would be pushing the boundaries of eccentricity.

I have a long day ahead. My son and I are going to Dahlonega. We owe a breeder there a stud fee for our Cocker Spaniel. They were going to take the pick of the litter, but the litter ended up being only 1 puppy. Instead we are giving them 2 female Yorkies and getting a breeding pair of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels in exchange.

Talk about being stupid: I just cleaned the puppies’ playpen. I leaned over the side to clean the bottom and sides with Fantastic. Of course the bed and the bottom pad had to be cleaned too. It’s not as good a job as I would like, but I just can’t do any more. I have this feeling that I will end up taking care of any litters we have in the future. The squirrel has been using the same towels since it arrived and its cage is dirty. I just fear that the animals will get sick if their areas are not cleaned regularly. But then that squirrel is the exception to that rule!

I am convinced that my son and DIL think I have OCD. That’s because I remember when its trash night, I load the dishwasher when there are dishes in the sink, I wipe the stove when its dirty, I wash dishes that don’t fit in the dishwasher, I collect glasses and dishes from the various rooms and put them in the dishwasher, I throw away empty soda cans and beverage bottles, I put empty shopping bags in the bag holder, and on and on and on ad nauseum. I went upstairs to let the dogs out and wash my few dishes. One of the dogs had crapped in her crate, so that had to be cleaned up. Her blanket was covered in feces and soaked with urine. I threw it down the basement stairs so it could be washed and knocked over a glass dish that has been sitting on the stairs for weeks. The blanket landed on a box of jewelry which has also been on the stairs for the same amount of time. I think there is shit on some of it, but I don’t care. Then I had to clear out one sink to have a place to wash my dishes. I had a couple of containers that I wanted to put in the dishwasher. It was full and had not been run, something I find frequently. I did find a detergent tablet in it already, so I guess someone just forgot to turn it on. So I started the dishwasher then washed my dishes. I was going to leave the stuff in the sink, but I just couldn’t. I washed it and put the stuff on a towel on the stove to dry. I bet I will find things stacked up higher and the towel folded over so the stove can be used. Maybe a burning towel will show my family that putting the clean dishes away would be more sensible.

I know that I was raised by a tyrant who went too far with his rules about housework. I know that many times I am responding to his conditioning rather than what the situation really requires. But I do not think I am that nuts when I expect basic cleanliness. Put dirty dishes in the dishwasher, throw away your empties, put things away after you use them; I think its just simple logic. At least I know some stuff gets done when I do something like write a blog entry like this and tape it to the back door. It just pisses me off that I have to be a bitch to get people off their asses.

I'm pissed and acting pissy again

It is difficult to live with adult children. Especially if it is in the house I worked for many years. Mine do not seem to have any of the pride in it that I felt. When they got married I tried to offer them a sense of ownership by moving into a room in the basement. I told them the upstairs was theirs, feel free to decorate and make any changes.

I try to stay downstairs as much as I can. The dogs and the ferrets rule the upstairs. The hall light switch was broken at least three weeks ago. I have offered to help repair it, but still the hall is dark. The problem is that often there is dog shit in the dark. When the light still worked I would clean up the mess muttering to myself. I think the light will remain broken until I either fix it myself or force my son to fix it.

This morning when I was outside with my dog I found the Polaris (the pool cleaner) lying on the ground. I didn’t really just find it today, I saw it last week after my son and DIL had friends over to use the pool. It is difficult for me to lift the Polaris and the water it contains to put it back in the pool. I stupidly assumed that it would be taken care of later. They had been drinking that night and probably forgot it. Now the dogs are chewing on it. The dogs consider anything on the ground fair game. That’s why I have wire fencing around the filter and power switch for the pool, they have been chewed.

We are supposed to be getting a breeding pair of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels this week. I have been saying since we found out this was happening that the outside pen needs to have the weeds cut down. I go unheard. I cannot do it. Oh I can, but the price in pain is bad. I finally sold the lawn mower because all of the “to-do” lists that included anything to do with the mower went unfinished.

When they go on vacation, I kill myself cleaning their room and as much of the upstairs as I can. There is months of dirty laundry, dirty glasses and empty drink cans in there. I should have known how things would be based on their cars. The cars smell of McDonald’s French fries and there are dozens of empty soft drink cans. I have to clear a spot to sit if I have one of them take me somewhere. I keep thinking that all I want is routine clean-up, not spring-type scrubbing. I would love to see someone else care enough to vacuum the dog room of all of the hair the dogs shed. I would love to see the mess made by the ferrets vacuumed periodically.

I don’t know what the answer is. We are financially and in my case physically dependant on each other. I just can’t let go of some of my expectations.

Catching Up

I'm feeling a little whoozey right now. I was having a lot of pain in my tailbone, so I laid down to watch my soap. I fell asleep instead and when I woke up, my tailbone was on fire. I took a Darvocet right away and put an ice pack on it. The medicine wasn't working fast enough for me, so I took another one. It's helping, but I don't like that way I feel.

I think I may have to call my pain specialist to have refills called in before I have my appointment. I talked him into seeing him every 12 weeks rather than 8 weeks. I am also going to change to the Cedartown office. It will be closer than driving 100 miles round-trip to Canton. I'm hoping he will write 90 day prescriptions for the 2 drugs he is insisting I have refilled every month. I understand that they are controlled substances, but it would save me a little money.

Most of my pain this week is due to leaning over the playpen to get Raina or the puppies or clean out the bedding. It's a Catch-22. If I lean over, my tailbone and right leg flare up. I can't squat because of my arthritis. Too bad I didn't get a used baby crib instead of the playpen. I could have put the puppies up higher. I think I need to check the space between the spindles on a crib. If it's too big, maybe I can put some sort of netting around it. Sounds like I need to do some shopping at the thrift store before it's time for Raina to have another litter.

Tomorrow my daughter-in-law is running a fund-raiser for a dog park. She has drafted my son and recruited her mother and several friends to help. There will be 2 agility demonstrations, an area for dogs to be off-leash, wading pools for the dogs and a dog treat bake sale. The kitchen has looked like a bomb went off a couple of times. It smells so good when my DIL is working on the treats, I have been tempted to taste them. I just hope the weather is good to them. There is a fifty-fifty chance of rain. My contribution has been to wrap and package dog treats and print the transfers for the t-shirts and iron them on.

My Niece, Part 3

My niece ‘T’ had been leaving me alone as I requested. I started feeling like something was about to happen; this was the longest period that she had been out of touch. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

One day the phone rang and the caller ID showed only “Wireless Caller”. I felt I had to answer. It was my niece. She said she had called to give me her cell phone number in case of emergency. Finally she got down to the real purpose; I had mentioned in a previous call that a couple of people had expressed interest in her car. She said she liked using public transportation and did not want the car because it held too many bad memories. She gave me permission to sell the car for the “blue book” value and send the money to her.

A couple of days later she called and practicality ordered me to sell the car. She kept talking about “blue book” value. That car is junk! The tires are rotted, the brakes are bad, it has not been started for over a year and the interior is full of mold because of the broken windows. ‘T’ has also conveniently forgotten that she still owes me over $6,000 on the car.

If she calls again, I think I will insist she sign the title for me (I’ll have to send it to her to be signed). Then I will call one of those places that say they buy junk cars. Any money I would get would be rightfully mine. I would be lucky to just have someone tow it away without my paying them to take it. I certainly need the money, but if I got anything for it, I may send her some just to shut her up.

I hope they are doing regular drug tests on her. She sounded like she was in one of her manic periods. That is when she begins self-medicating. I don’t know if the state is still providing the medication prescribed by the prison psychiatrist or at least giving her a break on the price. She just sounds like the same old ‘T’ that would steal from her mother without blinking an eye.

Dogs, family and websites

I haven’t been here to post for a while. It seems that the dogs and my family genealogy website have been taking all of my time. My son and DIL went on vacation in early June which left me with 9 dogs (yeah that is 9) and the rest. By Wednesday of that week, I was ready to release my finches into the wild, turn the cats free in the front yard and start adopting out the dogs. Luckily one of my son’s friends was able to come over to stay with me. He took over the difficult dog duties and it was such a relief.

My Yorkie is pregnant. That’s why we had 9 dogs instead of 8. When breeding time came, the stud I had arranged was unavailable. His owner was due to deliver a baby herself any day. In desperation my DIL and I searched for an alternate stud. The only thing we could find was a male Yorkie for sale. He turned out to be a proven stud and a very sweet dog. So dog #9 came home. He was very enthusiastic about his duties as a stud. As a result, I have a female who looks like a hairy football. Her first due date is July 21. The male was starved for affection and needed more attention than we could give him. So we put him on Craig’s List and the calls started within 15 minutes. He has gone to a wonderful home where a very lovely teenage girl will give him the love he needs and 2 Pugs to play with.

Hopefully the Boston Terrier and the Cocker Spaniel are pregnant. We had to pay a stud fee for the Boston, but the owner of the Cocker stud wants first pick of the litter. I need to measure their bellies again today to see if there is any change. The Boston has gotten heavier, so she must be pregnant. I hope the Cocker is pregnant. Her stud was very beautiful. He is black and white with a shock of white hair in the middle of his black-colored head. Her litter should have buff and white and black and white puppies.

Through all of this my pain continues. I am having trouble picking the Boston up because of my back. I have finally been to the rheumatologist and fortunately I do not have rheumatoid or psoriatic arthritis. I have good old osteoarthritis, but it is particularly bad in my knees and hands. The doctor recommends injections of an artificial lubricant into my knees. I am all for it, but must pay $160 out of my pocket per visit for 5 visits. I just don’t have it now. When I sell the first of the Yorkie puppies, I will be able to afford the injections. The second puppy is going to purchase a 1988 pickup truck so that I will have a vehicle again.

I have been mentally and emotionally stressed out too. I have finally admitted that my finances are out of control. I sought help with a consumer counseling service only to have them recommend that I file bankruptcy. At this point I have to just try to dodge creditor calls. I can’t even contact an attorney until I have a certificate from the consumer counseling service. It’s part of the new bankruptcy rules. I hate it, but it may be my best opportunity to get things under control. I should not have credit cards; I just treat them like a license to spend.

There have been pleasant things happening too. I found my Dad’s favorite song and made him a CD for Father’s Day. For his birthday I made him a slide show of his early life, my mother’s early life, their wedding and an assortment of family photographs. Choosing the background music was challenging, I didn’t want to make people cry and also didn’t want to be flippant. For my mother’s segment, I used Steely Dan’s “Peg”. It’s one of my favorite songs and of course it was her name. Dad was in Texas with my sister’s family over his birthday. They had a party for him and waited until everyone left to present him with my gift. He loved it. I guess the rest of the family loved it too. My sister had previewed it and decided then that it needed to wait until only the family was there to watch it. I sent extra copies for my sister’s family. I also sent copies to mom’s brother and sister. I had fun putting it together, but had to leave out many pictures to keep the running time down to 15 minutes. I think I am going to make some more slide shows. I have loads of pictures in albums, but never really look at them. If they are put together on a DVD, I may look at them more often. I also have the ability to transfer video tape to my computer. I have super 8mm movies from the 1970’s I want to share. I also have my son’s first year. Some of that is dark and I hope I have software I can use to play around with it and lighten it up.

My genealogy website was hacked and used to send out millions of phony bank emails. As a result, I am moving it to a new hosting company. I have everything back up except the database. That was the point of weakness that allowed the hacker in. I had not been keeping up with the updates, so it is partly my fault. I have been able to get it back up with the version I was using when it was hacked, but I am having trouble updating to the latest version which is more secure. I just keep plugging away until I get it right.

Catching Up

I haven’t bitched in a while. I guess things have been going OK, but then I remember back over recent events and they really haven’t been.

I finally went to the rheumatologist a couple of weeks ago. He thinks I have osteoarthritis which I guess is better than having rheumatoid, but it is still arthritis and it still hurts. I woke at 2:30 am this morning with pain in my knees and hips. It was 5:30 before I could go back to sleep. The doctor changed my anti-inflammatory medication and doubled the dose on my Neurontin. He was amazed that I am still in pain with all of the medication my pain specialist has me taking. At least he believed that I was suffering pain and didn’t get condescending by suggesting I lose weight. He also took x-rays of my hands, shoulders and knees and bone density scans of my pelvis and hips. I’ll get the results of those and my blood work when I go back in June.

The water line from the meter to the house had to be replaced. No big deal except when it is 300 feet long and crosses a creek. I had two plumbers give me estimates. I had guessed somewhere between $2500 and $3000. Luckily it came in close to the lower end. I had to refinance my mortgage to come up with the cash. The hard part was waiting on the loan company. By the time the money came through the leak was so bad we were turning the water off at the meter. We would turn it on for a couple of hours a day to take showers, run the dishwasher and do laundry. In between those hours we flushed the toilet with buckets of water dipped from the bathtub. Thank heavens we are set for the next 50 years now.

The dogs have all been fine. We are waiting for 3 of them to come into heat so we can breed them. Last night we had a guest dog. Someone dropped a beagle off in front of the pet superstore where my DIL works. She could not stand to have it wandering around until the next day when Animal Control would be available. My son and I just got back from taking the dog out to the shelter. He should be adopted quickly. He looks well cared for and is well behaved.

I came close to killing our dogs. When Jack first started getting on the hot tub lid, I tried several things to dissuade her. Nothing worked. I just gave up trying to keep them off. There are at least 4 of them that get up there now. A few months ago, one of them chewed off a handle. I could still put up with that. In the past 3 weeks, one or more of them have torn up the cover and begun digging through the Styrofoam core. I’ve put plywood over the holes. In order to use the hot tub, I think we will need to use a full sheet of plywood and cut it to cover the entire lid. We’ll have to piece it together since the hot tub is 7 feet by 7 feet and a sheet of plywood is 4 feet by 8 feet. We have learned the hard way that anything the dogs can reach, they consider to be fair game. The skimmer net for the pool was the latest item to be lost. We pay a price for having so many dogs, but they do bring us a lot of pleasure. I have begun walking my Yorkie almost daily. She pesters me until I get her leash. Some days I don’t really feel up to walking, but usually feel better after even a short walk.

Pain, Water Leaking, Plumbers and Mortgages

This morning the pain situation is bad. My back is hurting. I think it is time for an epidural again. The constant pain level has been climbing and I have had more days like this lately. I would love to clean the leaves out of the pool before my next trip to the pain doc. That way I won’t waste the epidural. Maybe the weather will warm up a little next week and I can get it done.

I wish the plumber would show up. The water line is leaking right before it comes into the house. I should have realized it last month, but I just paid the water bill and didn’t look at the usage graft. I’m praying he doesn’t say that the entire line needs to be replaced because I just can’t afford it. Money just seems to disappear. At least my teeth are paid for. I’ve wondered if it would save some money if we were to dig up the water line. Since we don’t know when the plumber is coming I’m afraid to start digging. The dirt may be holding some of the water back. That may be really silly. If I dig up the water line, may be I can fix it myself. I think this needs some Googling.

Later: Well forget fixing it myself. The polybutylene cannot be repaired. Over time it becomes brittle which is why it is leaking again after being patched 2 months ago. In order to come up with the money to replace the water line, I am refinancing my mortgage and getting cash out. There will be enough money to pay off a couple of other accounts as well. At least my monthly payment will be within $75 of the current payment. I had two plumbers come out to do estimates. I did not enjoy letting one of them down. He was not happy and nothing I could say was going to make it easier. I just wanted off the phone! The work can be completed in a day and without interrupting the service. They will lay a temporary line on the surface so we will be able to access the water while they are working. I felt better about these guys because they bothered to check with the county about the necessary permits and inspections. The loan has been approved. I have to wait for the terms and completion of the paperwork. I don’t know how long it will take. I hope it won’t be long because I hear water running out into my front yard.

I just talked to the loan coordinator and he was delighted that I got all of my information faxed to him so quickly. I should hear from the appraiser on Monday. I hope this just goes quickly.

I'm feeling dizzy right now and I think it is just because I am tired from all of the anxiety over the water leak. I called the original plumber to tell him that he lost out on the replacement job. He didn't seem to be broken up about it, so I think I made the right decision in replacing him.

Lottery Woes

I didn’t win the Megamillions jackpot and it makes me sad. I am happy for the gentleman in Dalton who did win. He can now take care of his mother and daughter and go fishing for the rest of his life. I think that is great. I have such plans made for a big win in the lottery. I would probably faint dead-away if I ever won. I got really light-headed the time that I did win $5,000. I would set up a trust fund for my niece ‘T’ with the provision that she would forfeit everything if she bothered me or was convicted of another felony. I would take care of my Dad, my sister and my brother. My grandnieces and grandnephew would have college funds. Of course my son, daughter-in-law, all of the animals and I would be looking for land to build our dream houses. I would have to have my bathroom built in this house until we were ready to move into our new homes. I would also set up a couple of scholarship funds to help kids like my son get educations. He just did not meet any of the special interest qualifications for the scholarships available. Mine would be for kids of single parents who are no longer able to work and still considered middle-class even though their income barely meets their needs. My son has an art student scholarship he would like to establish with a rather rude name that I am not sure I remember correctly. I think it is the “Big F**king Art Scholarship”.

I am in some real pain this morning although my hands aren’t really bothering me which has not been the case most mornings. I think I over exerted myself yesterday. While waiting for the guys who were installing a new filter on the pool, I ran the robot vacuums around in four rooms. It should not be any work for me, but I stop them periodically to empty the dirt and clean the brushes. With all of these dogs, I have to do it frequently. I had planned to clean the patio, but it was just too much for me. I left the lawn blower in the kitchen so my son can do it this weekend. I was also going to clean out the bird cages, but my daughter-in-law said she would do it. I’m not sure when she will get the chance. They are making her work over 7 days without a break.

My daughter-in-law went with me on my daily walk with my dog. She was brave enough to take Hamburger, Penny and Winston all at the same time. I had a hard time walking Raina and Penny on Sunday. I was in charge of poop cleanup. Luckily only two of the dogs felt the need. When we got back home, my DIL took the dogs down to the creek. It was a little difficult for me to get to the creek, but I went anyway. I’m glad I did. Raina went into the water and had a little swim. Winston loves the water and went in too. I just hope Raina doesn’t expect a swim every time we go for a walk.

I Can't Seem to "Bury" My Sister

I am the executor of my sister’s estate. The bills were paid and the rest distributed a while ago. I have kept things going in case I was able to sue the doctor who performed ‘Z’s 2nd gastric bypass. I’ve had one attorney say it would be to tough to get any money and a second has never returned my calls so I am going to close this chapter of my life. The only problem is that it involves the probate court and my niece. I have to petition the court to release me from my duties as the executor. Part of the paperwork requires the signatures of all of ‘Z’s heirs. Even though she was disinherited, my niece is considered an heir.


I hate asking her for anything. She never responded when she was given notice of probate by the court. Things went through because her lack of response was considered to be an affirmative response. Those times the notices were sent by the court. This time, I am sending her a form to be signed. I’ve been procrastinating for days. Today I decided to get it over with. I wrote her a short note, included the form, $20 for notary fees and bus fare and a return envelope with postage attached. I just hope she takes care of business and gets the form back to me soon.


My fear is that she will see this as an invitation to contact me. She does not understand that I want her to prove she can be a responsible adult. She thinks that serving 14 months in the county jail and a state prison should be enough. I need to see that she can support herself without leeching off someone else. My sister never stopped supporting ‘T’, so she did not learn how to do it on her own and I’ll be damned if I am going to take over my sister’s role. It would hurt my niece more than it would ever help her.


Well, I had to make one more try at the malpractice attorney. The second one has never returned a phone call so I called them to give them a nudge. I just want them to tell me to forget it or that it may be worth pursuing. I have a picture I took of my sister’s incision on 12/28/2004. It is awful, not only are there open areas along the incision, there are open holes where the surgeon placed drains when he did surgery to clean out the infection and fluid build-up. I need to get rid of these images. They haunt me. I feel like I should have tried to stop her from having that surgery. I felt that the outcome was not going to be good and never told ‘Z’ about my concern. She haunts me and I have to learn to let her go or she will haunt me the rest of my life.

The Brain Drain

In late 2002 I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus. It is a chronic condition of the brain that causes cerebrospinal fluid to build up in the brain. Normally the brain creates and absorbs this fluid as needed to carry nutrients. Usually it is diagnosed in infants whose skulls are not completely formed and may become enlarged from the condition. Some of us either develop it later in life or live with it for years before exhibiting symptoms. My doctor feels that I am one of those who have had the condition for years, but now my body cannot compensate.

I remember having headaches for years, but attributed them to stress. I was a systems analyst and a single mother. My career was accelerating. I was supervising 13 people and managing 3 major projects. I loved the stress, but the headaches were becoming worse. When my son had a crisis, I reduced my workload to be with him. The headaches were still bad. Then I retired because of my chronic back pain and the headaches did not let up. I still attributed them to stress. I did not have the career responsibilities any longer, but it was hard for me to go from having a demanding career to full-time mother.

When my sister moved in with me in 1995, she noticed that my moods were unpredictable. I would change from being up and happy to extremely depressed in a matter of minutes. I knew that I could be angered very easily, but thought that was part of being in constant pain.

I was also having trouble with my balance. During a walk down the hall to the bathroom I would sometimes run into the wall. I used to do a lot of do-it-yourself projects at home. I installed ceiling fans, upholstered furniture and put up wallpaper. Now it was not safe for me to stand on a single step stool. I fell off ladders more than once. My sister and I both thought it was due to the function deficit in my right leg from the herniated disc.

I started having auditory hallucinations. I can’t even pinpoint when it started. I would hear a dog barking with both of our dogs in the room. They weren’t barking, but I still thought I heard a dog barking in the room with us. I would go to the door hearing a doorbell or knock and no one was there. At first my sister would simply placate me by saying she must have missed what I heard. When it became more frequent she admitted that there was no sound to be heard. I blew my top more than once thinking she was just trying to piss me off.

When the visual hallucinations started, I got scared. At first they were just dots or flashes. Then I started seeing animals and large bugs. It was hard to read because I would be distracted by non-existent figures. The day I thought I saw I man in a green shirt in my bedroom, I decided it was time to go to a neurologist.

I had a brain MRI on my birthday in 2002. The results showed that the ventricles in my brain were enlarged which is indicative of hydrocephalus. The neurologist referred me to a neurosurgeon. I went to the same doctor who had performed my back surgery. I knew him and felt comfortable with him. He agreed that hydrocephalus was a possible diagnosis, but thought it had been decided too quickly and needed more investigation. I went to a different neurologist for more tests. (I changed doctors because the first one didn’t seem to like me having my sister in the room with me. She became peeved when my sister asked questions and demanded to know what my sister’s qualifications were.) The second neurologist performed a spinal tap and a test involving the injection of an x-ray detectable dye into the spinal fluid. It was unpleasant, scary and painful, but necessary. I had to go back to the hospital for x-rays for 4 days in a row to measure the absorption of the dye. The results were all positive for hydrocephalus, so surgery was scheduled to implant a shunt in my brain.

The shunt is a very simple device. It is a drain that runs from my brain to my abdomen. There is a valve on the shunt that controls the flow. Apparently over-draining is more dangerous than pressure build-up. The pressure valves were developed in the 1950’s by an engineer whose son suffered from hydrocephalus. He wasn’t able to save his son, but millions have benefited from his work. I was so freaked out about having the surgeon drilling through my skull and putting a catheter in my brain that I didn’t even think about how the rest was going to be implanted. When I woke up with pain in my lower abdomen, it started to dawn on me. I had a 3 inch incision just below and to the right of my navel. I still didn’t think about how the drain was run under my skin. Then the bruises started showing up. They use a thing called a trocar, which is just a fancy name for a hollow rod, to push the drain down the body under the skin. I ended up with a bruise running the entire length of the shunt. When I had my first mammogram after the implantation, I discovered that the shunt is visible on x-rays. Since my shunt was implanted as an adult, I should not need to have a revision (replacement) unless it fails due to an infection or damage in an accident. I do not envy those who get shunts as babies. They have to have revisions because of their normal growth. The only thing I have to do that is out of the ordinary is to take an antibiotic before any medical procedures and that includes a simple cleaning of my teeth. Medical implants are prone to infection, so a preventive dose of antibiotics is recommended.

I had another symptom that I did not realize could be related to the hydrocephalus until the day after my surgery. For years I had popping and crackling noise like fluid in my left ear. I thought it was because of year-round allergies. When I woke that morning I noticed that the sound was gone. It comes back sometimes and on those days I have headaches and balance problems. I’ve also been diagnosed with Meniere’s disease which affects the inner ear. So whether it’s the Meniere’s or the hydrocephalus affecting my balance, I try not to climb anything but stairs.

The "Kids" are Sick

Just after I tell how to live with 8 dogs, my son is offering to buy a gun and start shooting them, starting with the little one. I know he is joking. The dogs seem to be passing an intestinal virus around. Penny, the older Boston Terrier, barfed on my son and DIL’s bed the other day. The little one, Hamburger, was vomiting yesterday and last night. I got up this morning and found vomit in the pen where she slept. The Boston’s were exiled to the dog bedroom after the first vomit on the bed. When I saw the runny bowel movement on the floor, I dropped my papertowels and knocked on the Master bedroom door. “She is your dog and I can’t handle all of this shit” was what I woke them with.

My son had his t-shirt up over his nose like a mask when I left to return to my room. Shortly after that he called me on the intercom to find out the location of our latex gloves. It seems one of the dogs had been pooping in a blanket on the floor and covering it like a cat. I couldn’t help but laugh. I quit laughing when I found a laundry basket containing the poopy blankets.

Well another of the dogs has started vomiting. Here we go again.

Do I Have Rheumatoid Arthritis?

I’m sitting here planning the evening’s television viewing while I watch Wheel of Fortune with one eye. I am so fatigued, but I don’t think I could fall asleep. I’m too tired. My day was not really that busy either. That is one of things that make me concerned about my arthritis. I have been tested for rheumatoid arthritis with negative results, but I exhibit many of the symptoms. I’m anxious for my appointment with the rheumatologist. The hardest part is knowing that something is wrong, but not having the expert pronouncing it as being so. There is a history of psoriasis in my family. I have psoriasis, but my skin is no where near as bad as my son’s. Could it be psoriatic arthritis? There is also ankylosing spondylitis which primarily affects the spine and hips. That could be me also.

I am very tired of being in pain all of the time. I’m finding it difficult to drive so I don’t go to the library often. When I do check out books, it hurts to hold them. I want to make coats for the dogs. It took me a long time to take a coat apart to make a pattern. I haven’t gotten any farther because I just don’t have the energy. It’s frustrating! I don’t write anything these days. Everyone, including my son and daughter-in-law get messages and lists from me that have been produced on a computer. Using a keyboard is less painful than writing.

I think it is also depressing because this is something I associate with aging. Inside I feel the same as I did when I was 12 to 14 years old. My body is giving out and it scares me.

Steps as Parents

It amazes me sometimes how a silly thing like a commercial can make you think about something important. It was a Kleenex commercial with the therapist on the street. He is with a guy who is talking about his stepfather. It made me think about my own stepfather.

We were all grown up by the time my mother married my stepdad. Still he stepped up and was a parent to all of us. He didn’t even meet my brother until he and my mother had been married for over 20 years and my brother was in his late 40’s. The two of them have become very close. It’s not unusual for my brother to call and ask when I last talked to my dad. They seem to miss each other’s phone calls frequently. When that happens, my brother gets concerned and checks with me.

My brother has reason to be concerned. Dad passed out while driving home from Texas about 2 years ago. Luckily he did not have an accident or do any damage to his car. The same year he went to Ohio for a visit. While there he collapsed and was airlifted to the Cleveland University Hospital. A pacemaker was implanted in his chest. Several of us volunteered to go to Cleveland to bring him home, but he would not hear of it and made the drive home alone. A couple of months later, my sister called me to tell me that Dad was in the hospital in Atlanta. She had been contacted by a woman who was a stranger to both of us, but was obviously a friend of Dad’s. He had an infection around his pacemaker and she had accompanied him to the hospital. It turned out they had been dating. He had kept it quiet for fear my siblings and I would disapprove. Our mother had passed away in April 2004 and he was afraid we would not think it an appropriate length of mourning.

He has been the only grandfather all of our children have known. He is great-grandfather to the four children born to those grandchildren. It’s a job he has taken on willingly. I think he has performed as our parent since 1972 with grace and wisdom. Thanks Dad!